Booshy Elections
by chugirl2526
Summary: Now's your chance to vote for your favourite Boosh character to become the new Prime Minister Listen to their promises and make your selection.
1. Chapter 1

Booshy Elections.

Summery- Now's your chance to vote for your favourite Boosh character to become the new Prime Minister Listen to their promises and mate your selection.

Disclaimer- I do not own the Boosh, and I hate politics. I just wanted to make them funnier this way

Author's Notes- I want to say thanks to ButtonsMagoo for all her help and ideas for this story, to be truthful she thought of most of it, so big big thanks to her

--

Author- Hello and welcome to the first Boosh elections here outside the Velvet Onion in Dalston. I'm your host for the evening and I'll be asking our electionees what they would do if elected. So, we'll go inside now and meet them.

Inside the club, Vince, Howard, Naboo, Bollo, Fossil, Bainbridge, Saboo, Dennis, Kirk, Tony Harrison, the Spirit of Jazz and the Hitcher are sitting on a long table with microphones in front of them.

Author- I will now ask their promise from our first nominee, Vince Noir.

An enormous applause erupts in the club, as Vince sits up and bows. He is wearing black drainpipes, blue shirt and black jacket, but also a large squid mask on his head. He is also supporting a rosette saying 'Vote for Vince' on it made by Bollo.

Author- Welcome Vince, now first of all and it's not only me thinking this, but why on earth are you wearing that?

Vince- Come-on, this is genius. This is the latest in animal fancy dress wear, and I had to be the first to show it off.

Author- Right...now, tell us all what your promise is to get you elected?

Vince- If I get elected, flirtinis for all, continuous sales at Topshops across England, animals will get as much rights as humans, all jazz records will be locked away in a jazz offenders prison and electro music will rule above them all.

The audience claps and stamps their feet at the promise, as Vince bows once more before sitting down.

Authour- Now for our next nominee, Howard Moon.

Howard stands up and bows, only to get one person clapping, but they were really just trying to kill a fly in their vision. Howard is wearing his multi purpose tweed utility suit and a rosette saying 'Vote for Harold' that Bollo made by mistake.

Author- Welcome Howard, now is it true that can zip all the way down to trunks?

Howard- Why, yes it is. Want to see how?

Several people in the audience shriek in fright and hide their faces in their hands. The author holds up her hands in defence.

Author- No, I don't think that's really good for your voters to see. Now, what's your promise to get you elected?

Howard- If elected, jazz lovers will get to destory as much electro music as they wish and every home will recieve one of these multi purpose tweed utility suit.

He bows once more to the audience, where someone just coughs and a tumbleweed brushes past slowly. The man finally caught the fly and remembered where he was, muttering to his friend next to him 'Has that ballbag finally finished?'

Author- Right...Now, our next nominee, Naboo.

The tiny shaman stood up and bowed, his blue turban nearly slipping from his head. On his blue robes was a rosette saying 'Vote for Naboo'. The audienec went wild, but not as much as for Vince.

Author- Welcome Naboo, now tell us all about your shamanic life.

Naboo- It's mostly about getting stoned and getting out of shit really.

Author- Excellent, now what's your promise?

Naboo- Just that you ballbags shouldn't mess with me, because I'm Naboo that who. Anyone who dosen't, I'll turn my back on them.

The audience cheered once more as Naboo bowed again, Howard looking downcast and Vince looking over the moon.

Author- Now it's time for a break and for you to vote between our first three nominees. The winner of this election will go to a final along with the winners of the next three elections then you will get to choose who you want to be Englands PM! See you after the break.


	2. Chapter 2

Booshy Elections.

Summery- Now's your chance to vote for your favourite Boosh character to become the new Prime Minister Listen to their promises and make your selection.

Disclaimer- I do not own the Boosh, and I hate politics. I just wanted to make them funnier this way I do not own Coco Pops either. Rated for one swear word.

Author's Notes- I want to say thanks to ButtonsMagoo for all her help and ideas for this story, to be truthful she thought of most of it, so big big thanks to her Thanks also to everyone who voted/reviewed.

--

Author- ...And welcome back to the second part of Booshy Elections, sponsered by Kelloggs Coco Pops (may Sugar Puffs burn in hell). Now, after totalling up all the votes from over the break, I'm pleased to annouce the first winner is...Howard Moon!

Vince looks shocked at this news, but not as shocked as Howard. Naboo puts on a scowl, but then shrugs as he secrectly takes a puff on his concealed hooka.

Author- Congratulations Howard, I will speak to you in a bit. But first, let's just have a quick word from the runners up. First, Naboo.

The audience cheers as Naboo nearly chokes on a puff and hurries to sit near the author.

Author- I'm sorry you didn't make it. Is there any words you'd like to say to the people who didn't vote for you?

Naboo- Yeah, you're all ballbags and I'm gonna have to turn my back on you all.

He turns his back on the audience for ten seconds before turning back around, leaving the stage in a stoned stupor and nearly falling off the stage.

Author- Thank you Naboo, now let's talk to Vince.

The audience goes wild as Vince goes over to sit with the author.

Author- Now Vince, I'm also sorry you didn't make it. Is there anything you want to say to the people that didn't vote for you?

Vince- Well, I'm shocked to say the least. But I'm glad Howard got the chance for this, he deserves this. I just hope he dosen't really destory electro music.

Author- Thank you Vince, now finally our winner Howard.

She slips Vince her mobile number before he moves off and Howard sits next to the author, an estactic grin on his face.

Author- Well done, I know you're so happy to be in the finals. I understand there's something to wish to do to thanks the people who voted for you.

Howard- Yes, a special well...dance. Also, if voted in the final, I will live out one of Vince's promises and give animals equal rights.

Howard stands up and does his special thank you dance, which is really striping his tweed utility suit off to shocking pink hotpants. He gives a cheeky wink before leaving the stage, with half the audience clapping (his voters somehow stormed in just to see him win, bless their little hearts).

Author- Right...Now it's time for our next three nominees. First up, Bollo.

Bollo stands up from behind the large table and bowed, nearly knocking over the furniture as the audience claps. He is wearing a white cowboy hat with a black rosette pinned on it saying 'Vote for Bollo'

Author- Now Bollo, great to see you here, what's your feelings on this competion?

Bollo- I've got a good feeling about this.

Author- Lovely, now what's your promise to make you Prime Minister?

Bollo- Bollo promise free bananas for all, Bollo also DJ anywhere when asked. Also promise free hookas for every home.

Author- That's a good promise, but will it be enough? Thank you Bollo

The gorilla sits back down with a bow as the audience cheers for him.

Author- Next, please welcome Bob Fossil.

The audience cheers loudly for the ex-zookeeper as he stands up and bows, nearly knocking himself out on his mircophone. He is wearing his usual blue shirt but no pants, just his underwear, which thankfully his shirt manages to cover.

Author- Welcome Fossil, now I understand that you're either a retard or a genius. Which one whould it be?

Fossil- Well, I'm actually some sort of renius.

Author- Great, now and I'm dreading this, but what's your promise?

Fossil- Well, everyone will get sausages and tobbogons, and everyone will have to not like cricket like me. Also they'll get...er pants and if they don't vote, I'll come at them like a nun sandwich.

Author- ...OK. Thank you Fossil for your time.

Fossil bows lower and does smack his head off his microphone, nearly knocking himself out. The author puts her hand over her eyes and mutters why she isn't getting paid enough for this job.

Author- Now for our final nominee for this part, Dixon Bainbridge.

Bainbridge stands and bows, getting nothing but the sounds of crickets, who were actually discussing how to pull at the next bug ball.

Author- Welcome Bainbridge, had any other adventures since the Zooniverse?

Bainbridge- Why yes, I managed to find the sacred Topaz of Shamblumbles in the rainforests of Brazil.

He looks to the audience smugly to get a reaction, but even the crickets have stopped chirping to think what a ballabg he is.

Author- Great, now what's your promise?

Bainbridge- Just vote for me, you bastards

Then someone from the audience shouts out "What's in it for us if we vote?"

Bainbridge- Dunno...a kit-kat?

Someone else from the audience then shouts "Better make it two"

Bainbridge- Deal.

Author- Lovely, well that's our next three nominees. Remember the one with the most votes goes through to the final with Howard. See you after this break.

She then waits for the cameras to switch off, checks her phone for a text which simply siad 'Broom closet, after show. V x' and rushes off without a word to anyone.


	3. Chapter 3

Booshy Elections.

Summery- Now's your chance to vote for your favourite Boosh character to become the new Prime Minister Listen to their promises and mate your selection.

Disclaimer- I do not own the Boosh, and I hate politics. I just wanted to make them funnier this way I do not own Cadbury's Turkish Delight

Author's Notes- I want to say thanks to ButtonsMagoo for all her help and ideas for this story, to be truthful she thought of most of it, so big big thanks to her

--

The break is about to end and the author is nowhere to be seen. The cameracrew look around for her, but there's no sign of her to be seen, so they try her mobile phone. A few seconds later, she rushes to her seat with her hair slightly messed up, lipstick smudged and clothes crooked.

Author- So sorry about that, got a bit tied up ahem Welcome back to Booshy Elections, sponsered by Cadbury's Turkish Delight, a little taste of the Middle East, or something like that. Now, I've just been told the vote have been counted in and the winner of the second part is...Bollo.

The wise ape beated his chest in triumph, then coughed loudly and reached for his inhalor. Fossil looked insulted and about to cry and Bainbridge just looked furious.

Author- Congrats Bollo, but first let's speak to our losers- I mean runners up. First Fossil.

Fossil gets up quickly and storms over to her, sitting down roughly into the large chair and amazingly, falls off easily. The audience goes wild at this feat of stupidity.

Author- Please get up and tell the people at home who didn't vote for you your message

Fossil- You suckwads all stink, I hate you all. Moooommmmmyyyy! Oh wait, she still thinks I'm in Vietnam.

Then a 50-ish year old woman stands up shocked in the audience "Robert Fossil!"

Fossil- Oh shit, Mother. What are you doing here?

Author- We thought it would give the show ratings if we sprung random surprises on our nominees, so here's yours

Fossil's mom- My own son, lying to me after all this time. Why did I never notise, even when I thought I kept seeing you in that zoo?

She then brakes out into tears and the author is calmly on the phone to sercurity to get rid of both the nutters while muttering 'Like mother, like son'

Author- Now for our next loser, and I mean loser Bainbridge

He stands up and walks to the author, angrily sitting down.

Author- Now, anything you want to say to the people that never voted for you?

Bainbridge- Yes, you can all fuck yourselves, in fact I'm getting Nestle to do it for you. What am I gonna do with all these kit-kats now?

Author- I could tell you where to shove th- Oh look, we're out of time. Now bugger off, i've gotta interview the winner.

Bainbridge- You have not heard the last of Dixon Harriet Bainbridge.

He storms off stage as the author shakes her head.

Author- Prick. Now let's talk to our winner, Bollo.

The audience goes wild as the gorilla sits down in the opposite chair.

Author- Congratulations Bollo. How do you feel?

Bollo- Bollo feels great, Bollo just wants hooka now to calm nerves

Author- Well, you can now as you are through to the final with Howard. Once again, congrats Bollo.

The gorilla waves to the cheering audience and walks off stage, muttering 'Have to run againest Howard, great, just great'.

Author- Now, it's time to meet our next three nominees, and they share something in common- they're all shaman like Naboo. Let's meet the first one, Saboo

Saboo stands up and bows, wearing his usual balck, feathery coat and hat.

Author- Hello Saboo, now I understand that once on a shaman stag do, you drank three turbans full of tequila and never passed out once?

Saboo- That's true, it's all because of my knowledge of the crunch.

From the table, a pink head desides to have his say.

Tony- Not the fuckin' crunch again, you're always on about the fuckin' crunch

Saboo- Shut up, you pink knob. No-one asked you

Author- Yes please wait until it's your go. Now Saboo, what's your promise?

Saboo- If elected, I will make sure people will know all about the crunch and people who are too ignorant about the crunch shall suffer because of it.

Author- Lovely, well thanks for your words.

Saboo sits down once more, but not before quickly throwing a dead glare at Tony.

Author- I can fucking pick them for nominees, I really can...Yes, sorry. Now for our next nominee, Dennis.

Dennis dosen't stand and bow, just looks around the room with his milky eyes in a dazed expression.

Author- Are you alright there?

Saboo- He's taken half an E, he thinks he's in 'The Shinging'

Author- ...Right, ok while he's...drugged, we'll go striaght on to our next nominee, Kirk.

The small child-like shaman stood and bowed, staring stairght ahead to the author.

Author- Kirk, is it true you are still an erotic adventurer of the most deranged kind and renowned for having the greatest capacity for taking drugs?

Kirk- Yes.

Author- Is it true that if you become Prime Minister, you'll promise to stop being a vehicular menace, rammin' down all in your path, also stopping your drug partys and shooting the drug raiders?

Kirk- Yes.

Author- Lovely, well that's all we've got time for for this part of the elections. Remember, only you can make your favourite go through. Byt for now.

Her phone goes off again and see reads the text saying 'Fancy a jazz/electro fusion seesion?' with a smile in her eyes and pelts off towards the broom cupboard full speed.


	4. Chapter 4

Booshy Elections.

Summery- Now's your chance to vote for your favourite Boosh character to become the new Prime Minister Listen to their promises and mate your selection.

Disclaimer- I do not own the Boosh, and I hate politics. I just wanted to make them funnier this way I do not own MB Games. Warnings- Mild swearing and drug references. And also slight wee references hehe

The word 'Congrata-well done' comes from what david walliams said on Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2006, so i don't ow that either. I just couldn't help but put it in lol

Author's Notes- I want to say thanks to ButtonsMagoo for all her help and ideas for this story, to be truthful she thought of most of it, so big big thanks to her Thanks also to everyone who's voted again as well

--

As the next break ends, the author gets back to her seat slowly, sinking in it in sheer exhaustion. 'No more fusions' She thinks to herself as she regains her composure.

Author- "Welcome back to Booshy Elections, sponsored by 'Pelt the Rabbit in His Big White Face' by MB Games. The bunny bumming game for all the family. Now the votes are in, and the clear winner is of course...Kirk"

The audience goes wild as the youngest shaman stands and bows.

Author- "I'll will now have a quick words with the runners up. First up, Dennis"

The head shaman doesn't get up, but instead just stares out into the distance. The author sighs.

Author- "Did he take another E?"

Saboo- "No, this time he had three espressos. We just finally stopped him from peeling himself"

Author- "...Right. Can somebody get him off the stage please?"

The security guards gently take Dennis's arms and legs and carry him out of the club.

Author- "Ok, instead we'll now talk to Saboo"

Several people in the audience cheered, except Tony Harrison who booed, as Saboo made his way over to the author.

Author- "Now, is there anything you'd like to say to the people out there who didn't vote for you?"

Saboo- "Well, those are the people who were ignorant of the crunch and now they will suffer for it"

Author- "Lovely, well thanks for coming and sorry you lost. Now, let's talk to the winner, Kirk"

The audience cheered as Saboo made his way backstage and Kirk made his way over to the author.

Author- "Are you happy that you've won?"

Kirk- "Yes"

Author- "Is it true that you've learnt everything from Saboo and still won?"

Kirk- "Yes"

Author- "Congrata-well done to you, sir. We'll see you in the next round"

Kirk gives a small bow and leaves off stage, everyone cheering for him.

Author- "Now it's time to meet our final three nominess. First up, Tony Harrison"

The pink heads tries to move, but can't.

Tony- "I can't bow, you idiot. I got no neck"

Author- "Sorry about that, now what's your promise?"

Tony- "Well, I promise to make sure Saboo never says anything about the crunch again, also promise paposses for every home"

Author- "Excellent, thanks for your time. Next up, the Spirit of Jazz"

Tony waggles his eyebrows in undertsanding and the spirit gets up, a tall, dark man with white markings wearing a white suit and a white top hat on fire. He bows to the audience.

Author- "Welcome, now I understand you've populated a new musician?"

Spirit- "Yeah man, this young musician called Lily Allen or something like that. I fitted her like a glove, man"

Author- "Great, now what's your promise?"

Spirit- "If elected, I could populate all the great leaders and make us the ultimate country. I could also bring great music to the world, man"

Author- "Brilliant, thanks for that. And now for our last nominee, the Hitcher"

The Spirit of Jazz bows low and sits back down. Then a green skinned man with a polo over his eye stands up and bows.

Author- "How are you then?"

Hitcher- "Let me tell ya, I've been busy trying to take over the world, girl"

Author- "Great, now what's your promise?"

Hitcher- "If you slag's don't vote for me, I'll have to cut you slag's up, or I'll have to put the dolphin suit on you or it could be a porpoise suit, one blowhole's the same as the next in my view. It's just a shame Elsie and her eels ain't here, else I coulda set them on yah for not voting for an old geezer like myself, don't also make me get the Piper twins on you, those nonce's will cut you up too with their calpol spoons, coz i'm tight and wouldn't buy 'em a knife"

Author- "Brilliant, well there are your next nominees, please vote nicely for the final nominee to go through"

The show closes for now and the author rushes off once again, before her phone even goes off.


	5. Chapter 5

Booshy Elections.

Summery- Now's your chance to vote for your favourite Boosh character to become the new Prime Minister Listen to their promises and mate your selection.

Disclaimer- I do not own the Boosh, and I hate politics. I just wanted to make them funnier this way

Author's Notes- I want to say thanks to ButtonsMagoo for all her help and ideas for this story, to be truthful she thought of most of it, so big big thanks to her Thanks also to everyone who's voted again as well I'm also sorry this will be a short chapter :)

--

The break has finished, but this time the author is back in her chair, but her appearence is messed up. Her make up is smudged and her clothes are crooked, but she doesn't give two tosses.

Author- "Welcome back, now the votes are in and the winner of the forth round is...Tony Harrison"

The audience cheers as Tony waves his tentacles around madly with glee.

Author- "Well done Tony, I'll talk to you later. But first I'll have a word with the runners up, first the Hitcher"

The audience cheers once more as the Hitcher walks over and sits next to the Author.

Author- "Now, is there anything you want to say to the poepl who didn't vote for you?"

Hitcher- "I can't believe those nonces didn't vote for me. I'm gonna 'ave to cut those slag's up now, or get the old porpoise suit out. Or maybe Elsie's eels could get 'em"

Author- "Oh well, these things happen. Thanks for talking and now let's talk to the Spirit of Jazz"

The Hitcher leaves the stage brandishing his knife as the Spirit of Jazz sits with the author.

Author- "What do you want to say to the poeple who didn't vote for you?"

Spirit- "I'm gonna hav'ta populate them now, and bring 'em the pain of jazz, man"

Author- "Great, well thanks for taking part. Now, we'll talk to Tony Harrison"

The Spirit stalks off-stage as Tony is still on the table.

Tony- "I can't walk, you knob. I need my paposse"

Author- "Can someone get the pink cleft a paposse and carry him here please?"

Someone comes on stage with a neon pink paposse and puts Tony in it, bringing him closer to the Author.

Author- "That's better. Now, you've won and I understand there's something you wanna say to the poeple who voted for you?"

Tony- "Yeah, free poppers for everyone. Also, I'll make sure that slag Saboo says nothing about that stupid crunch"

Author- "Great, now that's the last winner from the four rounds. So let's bring all the winners back on!"

The audience cheers as Howard, Bollo, Kirk and the person carrying Tony line up on the stage.

Author- "Now, we'll just ask the winners who they are and what their promises are one more time"

Howard- "I'm Howard Moon and I promise jazz lovers will get to destory as much electro music as they wish and every home will recieve one of these multi purpose tweed utility suit. Also, animals will get equal rights"

Bollo- "I'm Bollo and promise free bananas for all, Bollo also DJ anywhere when asked. Also promise free hookas for every home"

Author- "Kirk, is it true you're sticking with your promise to stop being a vehicular menace, rammin' down all in your path, also stopping your drug partys and shooting the drug raiders?"

Kirk- "Yes"

Author- "And we all know Tony' promise as he's just won. Remember, only you can pick the new Boosh Prime Minister"

The show goes on a break and the author texts 'fed up wiv broom closet. let's go 2 bathroom instead x' and sends it to her mysterious 'v'.


	6. Chapter 6

Booshy Elections.

Summery- Now's your chance to vote for your favourite Boosh character to become the new Prime Minister Listen to their promises and mate your selection.

Disclaimer- I do not own the Boosh, and I hate politics. I just wanted to make them funnier this way

Author's Notes- I want to say thanks to ButtonsMagoo for all her help and ideas for this story, to be truthful she thought of most of it, so big big thanks to her A huge thanks also to everyone who's voted/reviewed/enjoyed this story and making it rock

--

The break has finished and the author is back at her chair, looking much more relaxed and neater looking in apperance.

Author- "Welcome back to Booshy Elections, and the final and most important vote is about to come to a close. Who will it be?"

Howard, Bollo, Kirk and Tony Harrison, who is still in his paposse wait nervously for the decision.

Author- "And the winner is..."

Drums roll in the background and spotlights flash down on all the nominees as they wait some more.

Author-"Howard Moon. Congratulations!"

The other three grumble as Howard weeps in joy. he shakes hands and tentacles with everyone who lose and joins the author in the opposite chair as a small portion of the audience cheers for him- the Howard Moon fanatics club.

Author- "Congrats, You're the new British Prime Minister. Is there anything you'd like to say to your adoring fans?"

Howard- "I mean, bloody hell, it's like a dream come true. I promise to do a great job about my work"

Author- "Lovely, well that's it for this years edtion of Booshy Elections. Tune in next year to see if Howard will spend another term in office. This as been the author wishing you goodnight"

The audience cheers as the cameras shut down and Howard goes down to his mini fan club and drinks champange with them. The author calls Vince to meet her on stage where they go out togerther arm in arm and every else just leaves because they do. The end, or is it...?

--

Six Months Later...

**Scandal at Ten Downing Street.**

_Howard Moon, the new British Prime Minister was found having an affair on his wife, Mrs Gideon-Moon with a funky merman called Old Gregg. They were caught together in a B&B at Black Lake during one of Howard's friendly visits. The PM was reported saying "If I didn't sleep with the fishy bastard, he'd suck out my eyes and tuck them up his downstairs mixer" Well, that's just his excuse for getting him out of trouble._

_Old Gregg was reported in saying "ME and Howard will be together forever. I'll marry my fuzzy little man-peach and we'll drink Baileys and make watercolours for the rest of our lives"_

_The PM is also under a lot of stress due to the music war against his old rival, Vince Noir. The electro prince as finally declared music war on the jazz lover after one to many insults were dropped on his precious electro music. Joining him are Gary Numan, David Bowie, the Human League and other such big names in the electro genre._

_Joining Howard Moon will be Charles Mingus, Charlie Parker, Miles Davis and many other in the jazz genre. Both parties will try their hardest to get the public to love one genre or the other._

--

A Week Later...

**Music War Ends**

_The music war that happened between the electro prince Vince Noir and the Prime Minister/jazz lover Howard Moon has finally ended after a week of hard work. They've all played concerts, did charity gigs and held parties for the public to try and win their votes to declare the ultimate music genre between the two._

_In the end, it was a draw and eariler this afternoon, Howard and Vince both signed a peace treaty saying that jazz and electro will live in harmony with each other as they are both as good as one another._

_Elsewhere, Vince Noir will be settling down with the host from the election programme. They got together during the show after Vince lost at the first round and have been together since. They chose a summer wedding and everyone is invited for the great wedding._

_Also, the affair between Howard Moon and Old Gregg has finally ended after Gregg said he couldn't take the pressure from the paperazzi. The Prime Minister was glad and his wife didn't really care because she still doesn't truely know who she's married too._


End file.
